I was born and raised in a rural town in Minnesota named Elbow Lake. No, don't bother reading that again, it really is named Elbow Lake.

As a child I was always a strapping young lad. Touting 85 pounds of PURE muscle at 4 feet and 8 inches and a black belt, I was a force to be reckoned with. Seriously, there was not a inanimate object safe from my wrath. If I could not break it with my bare hands, Mr. Ball Peen Hammer would have words with it. If for some reason he could not deal with it, he would mention the problem to Mr Saw. It was an efficient team if ever there was one!

Growing "up" did not happen until I was in about the 8th grade. It was a bummer to be a midget when everyone else was sporting impressive "my daddy has not taught me to shave yet" peach fuzz mustaches. Sometimes I even cried myself to sleep. That would soon change! At about that same time I suddenly was able to use the locker room urinals without even utilizing my tippy toes! Oh boy, that was not all that was in store for me. The morning after I realized no tippy-toing was needed, BAM! EMERIL STYLE. I was 6'1." Fate, she is one fickle mammajamma. Grow 2 feet and all she could afford was an extra 60 pounds. Short and scrawny to tall and decrepit. Yay team!

This new found awkwardness would be compounded by a bet i would make with a cousin as per who could go the longest without cutting their hair. We... Hey, wait just a god damned minute. Why am I writing any of this? What's more, what the hell are you doing still reading it? Please shut down your browser. Nothing to see here, move along. What? How do you close it? Top right corner, little "x?" Nope, that's your mouse, you use that to move the cursor on your screen. No, it can't have any diseases. No, it's not alive. Right. It's a mouse, but it's not living. Oh, don't cry, you did not kill it. It was never alive. There there. Hey! How about giving that closing of the window another try? Yep. It's still in the top right. What the hell. Ok, this is worthless, just go unplug your computer. Yep. Go ahead. The chord coming out of the back of the computer...oh forget it. I'll close MY window.